


What If The Thing Never Existed?

by Carliro



Category: The Thing (1982), The Thing - All Fandoms
Genre: Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Gay Sex, Love, M/M, The 80s AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:07:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1125997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carliro/pseuds/Carliro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the alien was never real? What if the horror never happened? What if nothing kept them apart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What If The Thing Never Existed?

It is a very cold day in Antarctica. A storm of velocity winds of skin scratching inanity brews outside in evil cauldron pots of thermal unbalance, so no one can go outside, except emperor penguins and petrels, whose keratinous feathers prevent the chill of Heaven in their frozen hearts of stoic contemplation. Therefore, it is a very boring day in Outpost 31, as usual per winter days, because men always envied the piscivorous Neornithes and their antipodean thrones of calamity and sordid panacemas of long lost Maastrichtian woe.

"I hate filling papers" said unfelicity the Norris.

"Indeed, paper work is a most distasteful expression of the bureaucratic beneficency bankruptcy of post-70’s geological literature of peer review incompetency and putridity pussies" concurs Blair, who is conducting a most unorthodox experiment, mixing chemicals and enzymes into diapers made from elephant seal scrotums.

Bennings, the other researcher of the lost cause of australo-polar inovation, is studying the same storm patterns over and over again. The results are so predictable he even drew doll’s faces on his readings, just to have that one hint of humanity in the frozen desolation of diaphragmatic constipations. Fuchs, Blair’s most disloyal assistant, is watching a non-translated 80’s brazillian telenovela, the only feature length entertainment video allowed. It was either that or Fritz The Cat, making the wisdom of their choice quite obvious. The protagonist - or at least the character with the most screen time, anyways - is a 20 something year old girl with a blue dress with ugly polka dots on it that only occasionally wore other clothes, usually two steps from being burqas. She falls in love with a stunning young man of latino sun hotness of desire, but it is revealed that he is her long lost half-twin-brother, so they fall into a deep depression about not being able to marry and, rather than moving on with their lives, they spend 80% of the show’s running time wangsting about it and making hollow promises of love and unnecessary drama. Meanwhile, their entire family is in cahoots to have her marry with an evil blonde prick who rapes 12 year old girls. The bad guys are otherwise cartoonishly evil drug dealers with no hint of morality gray, and the show goes out of it’s way to vilify every religion outside of brazillian catholicism as well people who have abortions and sex in general. Our protagonist wins her love through sheer moral righteousness and unicorn virginity and religious bigotry, as it turns out her half-twin-brother is actually adopted and therefore not genetically related to her, so it’s okay to marry. But not to have sex, so they remain chaste for all eternity and she still gets pregnant thanks to the jabiru storks. Fuchs is shedding tears of joy, and he doesn’t even know portuguese.

 

Meanwhile, Childs and Palmer are smoking some weed. The former is paying loose attention to the soap opera, watching it as if in a dream, staring at the bottom of a murky lake, while the latter is reading Chariots Of The Gods and having visions of extreterrestrial anal probing performed by Jesus. Nauls is in the kitchen, making foie gras by forcing albatrosses, skuas and sheathbills to vomitingly swallow an oily bile of tuna, krill, makko sharks, seaweed, kelp, dolphin arses and underage baby endometriums. Copper is readying a National Geographic magazine in a desesperate attempt at finding pornography, but the editors have upped their game, so all he is greeted with are vulva teratomas and varicose veins. Garry is replenishing his shotguns, it was a mircale that he authorithies were dumb enough to investigate this breaching of the Treaty, so he religiously cleanses them of his sins, with especial fervor in these dark times of sleepiness. Clark is with the dogs, having a tea party to endure the pain of loneliness and motherly starvation of emotions. He is dressed in the most formal attire a research station can provide, his usual outfit. The huskies, on the other hand, have a variety of clothes: Jenna has a girly pink dress made of satin with a polka dot red bow to match, Balto has a monocle and a blazer, Aleu has a slutty blue bra and panties and Kodi has a sexy leopard leotard. They all drink imaginary vodka from their tea cups in unison of trepidation.

Finally, Mac Ready arrives from his isolation compound, stopping by the living room to go to the bara and grab some beers.

"Has anyone seen Windows?" asks Mac Ready with careless degree.

"I don’t know, he said he’d be working on the radio" said Fuchs teardely, because he rewatching the part the protagonist gets erroneously slut shamed for wearing a green dress for the 258th time.

"Why the fuck do you want him anyways?" asks Childs, snapping out of his telenovela transe, "He’s an obnoxious shit with no regards for the well being of other living beings except his own prostate of despise!"

"Yeah, even I hate him" said Norris.

"Well, that son of a bitch just called me here for a big surprise that supposedly is "Christmas gone early". If he’s pranking me again I swear I’m gonna fuck his curly hair ass!"

"Oh yes, you so gonna fuck it alright!" said a girly gay manly voice.

 

Mac Ready turns his head to the radio room, and his jaw almost dettaches from his skull in shock! Windows walks from the radio room, swinging his hips erotically and provocatively. He is wearing a skirt as rosaceous as the dawn sky above the ethiopian highlands, red and white stockings like rouge blood upon the white snow in Mount Fuji, blue sapphire high heels like the open sea at midday, a lemonade coloured leather bra and thong, lipstick as red as an aged giant panda’s penis glans and sparkling make up that makes his beard reflect the light of a thousand self inflicted rainbows. His ears have earrings of the eight heavenly trigrams in Bagua so expressed, and his nipples are pierced by wonderous silver rings of carnicerous delight. His nails are painted in every hue of the eyes of a peacock mantis shrimp in the tropical waters of Papua New Guinea, even the ultraviolet ones. His eyes have purple eye shadow of romanian likeness like the violet nape feathers of an adult Takahe, and he bears a leather handbag as brown as the tree bark of a gingko growing on the summit of a mountain in Bhutan, greeting the Sun in her daily rising in the asian skies.   
He dances and prances in this boudaceous campy outfit of displeasure, twerking his ass in Garry’s face like Hannah Montana would do several million years later to agressively less likable men. Garry is much unpleasanted with this display of personal expression of drag queen quality, so he shoots himself on the head and dies.

 

"So, do you likes my new outfit?" says Windows sensually, rubbing his manly hands on the Mac Ready jacket.

 

Mac Ready observes that humongous unmanliness and sissiness atmosphere of pussy tricks and AIDS carnicery, and is much aroused in the corpus cavernosum. Thus, with nothing more to loose other than maybe monetary support to go die in Mexico, he kisses Windows with much passion of forbidden lusts and Red mana of artistry and fury, kissing the Windows supple lips of lipstick with much pleasure. He fondles the forest beard so well groomed into prettiness and rainbows of glitter, and withraws, staring yang-ly at the perfectly wooed radio operator transvestite Windows of rosaceous cheeks of blushing. Mac Ready grins, he does his suave manly penis tricks.

 

"I’m so gonna fuck the shit out of you" says Mac Ready romantically.

 

And so, Mac Ready rips Windows bra open, and licks his wonderous neck of rejected masculinity, earning womanly moans from the fast talking drag queen man of desires and every day wisdoms. This is the clue for Norris to get the fuck out of there. Norris is norwegian protestant christian, is much homophobic and distasteful of manly affections of desire, so he runs away screaming alike a dying tapir and goes into the closet, where he prays to the Lord and the Jesus Christ to deliver him from that acursed circumpolar station of cold unfeeling scientific research corrupted into a powerful volcano of passions and love. On the opposite end of the scale is Palmer, who stops his conspiracy hallucinations and puts out his thirteen centimeter long uncircumsized phimosis cock and masturbates wildly. This causes the phimosis to undo itself, as the rapid masturbatory motions disrupt the foreskin prison and rip it apart, the penis head now free but utterly submerged in blood that explodes in all directions. Some of it falls on Fuchs, who is ignoring the whole thing in favor of his telenovela, the blood landing on his glasses.

 

"What is this, jam? I love jam!" and so the Fuchs puts the blood on his finger and licks and sucks the phallic proximal phallange with much pleasure, unwittingly contaminated with a trillion veneral diseases.

 

A lot of blood falls on Blair too, tainting his experiment and screwing up the enzyme reactions on the scrotum diapers of pinniped sorrow, making them shrivel and dissecate. This, alongside the lewd display before him, maddens Blair into misandry, so he picks up an axe and goes batshit crazy, destroying the scientific equipment and computers. Bennings is most unlucky in standing in his path, because off goes his head as the middle aged psycho goes on a rampage and cuts his body until it’s reduced to acidic atoms and heliacal civet molecules. Bennings head lands in the middle of Clark’s tea party, passing out for good, and making Clark and his dogs aware of the sorroundings. Clark is much shocked at the sensual spectacle before him, but he is always honest with his feelings, so he reaches for the nearest dog, Kodi, and frenches him passionately like a supernova explosion of lust.

Meanwhile, MacReady removes his jacket, exposing his manly pecs. The Windows hands rub them with much fervor of marble tables and antediluvian palisades, teasing the man nipples. Both of their upper bodies are undressed, and Windows’ despicable make up runs down his face after all the saliva from Mac Ready’s kisses as well as putrid globs of snot. The newly un-maked up face of Windows is most beautiful to the sclerae orbs of the pilot face, he always thought the bearded rounded faced man was very hot, but now with all imperfections flowing forth in the river of renewal he was a divinity God of the Heaven. Mac Ready’s masculinity lips kiss the hairy forest cheeks with insipidicity kisses of amorous intent, ambitioning to show off the tremendous affection the lonely man had for his compatriot in the dark cold yin realms of the Gondwannan landmass.

"Hey everyone, dinner is served!" said Nauls petulantly, his nostrils are clamped with skua feathers and his kidneys ejaculate woe in accordance to the heavenly whims of carcinogenic stars of UV light amicability.

He is much shocked by the scene before him, so he flees to the closet in order to preservate his underage belgian chocolate arse. But the Norris is much christian uncharitable, so he locks the closet and prevents the desesperate entrance of virginity conservation spread.

"C’mon dawg, let me in!" cries the Nauls teardely.

"No, it is against the Lord God to have nigger with me in armary protected!" says the Norris wisdomely, "It is even sin to consider bothering me with pardic possibilities of satanic Africa, so you must apologise to the Jesus for even being alive!"

Just then Blair attacks! Nauls escapades from the closet, rolling away like mutant armadillo of hyperventilation pennaceous morality of cancerous intention instincts, right into the Childs lap, the head between the legs. Nauls whimpers as he feels his panties sliding down to expose his Antinous colon of chocolate delight. Palmer is much aroused by this, he heats up his weed bong with golden flames of his flamethrower passion and shoves it up the Nauls ass whole.

"AAAAAAHHHH IT BURNS YOU SHITTY STONER PALMER WHY YOU DO THAT!?"

But Palmer is very wises, the yang flames of cannabis trituration cook up the coccoa factory’s muscular walls into human beef, so now the weed has a pleasantry picanha odour that makes the conspiracy crack pot of disturbance deviancy to salivate in much rememberance of brasillian shores and cow’s muscles and pussies. So he takes out the gong and takes a bite out of Naul’s ass, fullfilling his broad jaws of animalivory with delicious man meat so bloody and fatty.

"Hmm, your arse tastes divinity!" says the cannibalistic cannabis carnivorous carnicerous cancric stoner of despise.

Childs much dislikes this, he has not signed in for consumption of teen male rectums in beefcake so wedded. So he swallows his snot and spittingly redirects it at the bong. The cannabis is corrupted by the putridity bacteria folds of the supple nostrils, so Palmer is hallucinating, he has a shamanic journey and becomes the White Tiger spirit of the West. This intensifies his hunger, promptly devouring Nauls from the ass upwards into the insides of his torso, all the while growling territorily at Childs to leave his carcasses alone. A lot of the blood and gore from Nauls being eaten alive falls on Fuchs, who thinks it is jelly so he eats, but because he is not animal shaman he gains Kuru and begins shaking incontrolably like chinese hooker on purple steroids of arsenic consistency.

"O-o-ohh G-g-g-o-o-d I-I t-t-hink I a-te t-too m-much pu-um-p-p-k-k-kiin j-jel-lly-y!" and then Fuch’s bowels unleash themselves, causating a fetidity swamp river of golden marmalade diarrhea and begins laughing like the Joker. This attracts the attention of Blair, who begins attacking him with the axe, throwing blood and shitty everywhere.

Meanwhile, Windows and MacReady are embracing themselves in the nudity of passions. The supple strong arms of the pilot wrap themselves around the mountainous radio operator body of delight, kisses like shurikens piercing the cheeks in octagonal particles of fractal insecurity.

"I’ve always wanted you, ever since I saw your beautiful eyes in the Tierra del Fuego station" says Windows romanically, with much eroticism and pleasure in his voice of silver strands of light in the heart so reproduced.

"Sorry for not noticing your beautiful soul of Shen divinity of blossoming peach petals of your manliness scutae palisades of rising divinity spirit!" apologises Mac Ready with much pain and regret in his bitter heart of necrosis.

"It is alright, the traditionalistic conservative society of the Septentrional America is very mean at this onset of the AIDS period of malevolent hydrocele ambitions."

"Let us patch our mistake wounds with the forbidden love of greco-roman antiquity soredom and sordidity unfold!"

And so Windows kisses his true lover of Ganymede heavenly radiance of Tian in the lips with much subterranean fires of magma emotions of the heated blood of love so earned in that darkness period of opression to the true self of the senses in a manner so cruel, and unbuttons his pants. The MacReady white panties barely hide his wonderous manly bulge of precum emanations, so Windows fervently licks in loveful inspirations so insipidicity the South Pole (geddit). He captures the paenis head with lickity licks of much savourous conspiration, enamoured with the purity tastes of the Philosopher’s Stone of the dick. Mac Ready moans like constipated python squeezed by coprophilous masculinity claws of manly honey badger of unashamed Adonic attributes of homosexuality unbound and unrestrained by devil light of Yahweh churches and Reagan laws of putridity western Laurasia masses of despicability despise. So he takes off his underwear, allowing Windows much access to the humongous caucasian cock of desires until then distracted and retracted from their real self of violet individualty radiation. MacReady much apreciates the suckery, but he intends to solidify their titanic soul matery with more pearlescent actions.

"Turn around my love, it is time for me to service you."

Windows nods in much comprehension of understandings, so he lays back on his firmidity back on the table of scientific inovations and white labled hypocrisies. MacReady destroys the pants and the panties with much tectonic passion of fire flames of crimson hues in the positive emotions of the blood so hot in bubbling gases of velvet lust, he anihilates the pretension of the void by rimming the supple sparkly ass of the Windows. It is very hairy, the forests of keratinous mysteries filled with wonderous glitter and rainbows of light redirected to the anus. Most unfortunately, the UV radiation deflected by the glitter has made the sphincterous ring much cancerous and tumourous, filled with green putridity abcesses and fetid chalicothere placebos. But the Mac Ready does not mind, he licks the tainted cancer arsehole with much pleasure and dedication of the love emotion in his swamp heart of stagnated turmoils and compassion, alight into a blazing inferno of levidity amour.

"Oh, your mouth tentacle feels so righteous in my supple butt ring of devious deviance!" moans Windows like anthrax cow whore.

Mac Ready agrees with much likery, licking all the way up the penis and pleasing the sperm factory soccer balls with much amicability sensations. Meanwhile, Norris is fapping violently his one inch cocklet at this! He is much closetted bigot of rageful emotionality, so he faps in RAGE at the atrocity to his devil beliefs of ten thousand years passed in terms of validity and sincerity. But the sound of his fapping attracts the attention of the Blair, who begins martelating his axe at the closet!

"Oh God please don’t let this feminism bastard destroy my sanctious anal retention with his Hell axe so poorly waxed in the frivilous triviality of our humble lives!"

But the Yahweh is much displeased with the Lord’s name being taken in vain, so he sends a flaming seraphim with six golden wings and a serpentine draconic body of UV light spewing forth lordly praises and abcess abscenities (read On the Origin of the World, gnosticism rocks lol).

"THOU HAST ENRAGED THY DIVINE YAHWEH THY FATHER THOU DEVIANT DEMENTIA SHITTY SINNER OF THINE FECAL MIND OF DIAPHRAGMATIC PUS OF SHAMEFUL GRIEF WOE OF ABRASAX!" said wisy the seraphim.

The heaven dragon angel then put his ten thousand feathery cocks on the Norris nostrils and began fucking them, utterly burning his nose to a scorched crisp. He then put his cancerous dragon plumage on his ears, reaching the Broca area in the cerebrum and making Norris’ anal prolapse! His colon was now a red, ugly, evil devil tentacle of misery protuding out of his ass, spreading divine holy cum and shitty everywhere! Blair only became more misandrist because of the fetidity holy shit of carcinogenic gamma rays that tainted his eye balls and supple arm pit warts of abcessful stupidity, so he stroke with his axe and obliterated the door, anihilating the malevolent evil christian wood of sanction safeguardity. The axe then stroke at Norris’ head, splitting the cranium apart and spreading brain matter everywhere, and so Blair began rapidly striking and striking at the devil fat man, striking so fast and furiously that his body was cut at a molecular level, that the atoms were seperated by the blade of the axe and that sonoluminescence produced a radiant light that utterly burned the facility! Norris’ body was burned utterly by the flames of calamity and catastrophy of yang tendencies of the flamboyant Sun so far away hidden by the sphincterful ways of the polar landmass, and the flames only spread quicker with the passion between the Mac Ready and Windows that radiated a heat of a thousand white giants. The heat made the shit land on Palmer, awakening his tiger shaman trance as he gnawed on Nauls’ penis.

"Childs, shit just landed on my hair! We must take advantage of this golden opportunity for our own devilish intentions of fetidity unfelicity!"

And before the chocolate mechanic could complaint, Palmer covered his penis in Norris’ faeces and shoved it on Childs’ mouth! The Childs must distasted, so he vomited gruesome stomachal contents like moss, cabbages, dog bones, fetid unwashed rotten mammaries and old man’s virginity. The acidic counterband much went unwell against Palmer’s penis wishes, so it prosted in blood jelly flesh melting, which in turn corrupted the Childs’ maw and turned it’s labial and gingival tissue into melted poop caramel flesh, exposing the pure white calcium concealed by darkness of nigridity. Both men were much doomed when the Blair located them by his catharthine sense of olphaction, and grabbed the axe and sent it to the Palemer head, obliterating it in ten thousand carcinoma folds, blood, putrid unwashed placebos of woe and AIDS. The Childs tried to run away very scared, but he tripped on Benning’s dead mortem corpse of lapidation unvericity. The tripping was enough to rip off his manliness azure jeans of tempest sea wave trepidations, knock him to the ground, and have the dead rotten fetidity hands land on his poultry black arse. Blair had cutted the hand liberally, so the middle Bennings finger broke off and landed on the Childs supple purpurous anal of despise! Childs was very scared, so his muscles of the faecal tunnel contracted like evil diarrhea goat, sending the finger upwards, before relaxing and sending the finger downwards. He much liked this oragami stimulation of the flesh walls of necrosity, so he grabbed the whole hands and masturbated his ass.

Meanwhile, MacReady enters the Windows anus with much levidity softness of dove pericardiums. The masculinated argr man of supidity desires moans like a dissecated desolation dsungaripteroid pterosaur in his much pleasantry of sultry prostastes.

"Oh my love, your hardness organ of despise feels much righteousness in my insipidicity tunnel of dark desires!" cries Windows in pleasure and toil like in Heaven bureaucracy made.

The MacReady much smiles, and kisses him lovingly in the lips of rockbell lust of rhadamantium agery. He hastens the thrusts, sending both parties in a moaning costest of context despicability. The fuckery much attracts the angelic voyeur of animalistic divine intentions, so in totemnic polarity the seraphim attempts forced coitous with the Windows mouth!

"My love, do not let the malakh being of fetidity caananitism copulate with my lips, lest they be consumed by the UV passion of cancerous devilry animousity!" cries the Windows in amorous despair.

To make matters more the bad, the madman Blair of carcinoma abcess pussy lunges at them! What will our deliciously hotness heroes do!?

In fortunes so fortunately, Childs orgasms from his undead anal stimulation of decapitated Palmer hands of woe, so his black nigridity cock fires cum blasts of forceful consistency into the void between him and the Blair. The cum hits the Blair eyes, so the madmand claws his way into the insanity void and hits the seraphim angel of unpleasure with much unpleasantfulness and calamity!

"THOU HAST HARMED MY LIGHT BODY OF INSTABILITY PENNACEOUS DEEDS, PREPARE TO BURN LIKE UNHOLY UNJEW TWIG OF DOOM!"

And Blair does, the fat man swamp body that he calls himself explodes in a trillion butterflies of flesh, blood, organ tissues, bile and veneral diseases. The axe is sent flying into the Antarctica wilderness, where it kills ten thousand emperor penguins, petrels and skuas with much fervous hatred of ferrous intentions, before landing on the sea ice, cackling like a madman into the darkness of cold oblivion, driving anyone who heard it MAD. It is the Ice Excalibur, to be hold by who is the unworthimost king of the frozen desolation, who shall perish in the frost like unvirginity Jane of calamity endometrium of varicose woe.

All the heavenly commotion of Tian unfold makes the Windows much hornier, humping the MacReady thrusts like wave kahuna, passing his fingers through the thickness jungle beard of the MacReady with much pleasantry of provoked response moans.

"Oh my adoration love of thickness beards, I am about to cum!"

"Let us ejaculate in holy parsimonity with the principles of the frozen desolation universe in winter months of Gondwanna frigidity darkness!" moans the MacReady in holiness pleasantry and solipsism prismatic lust.

And they do, first the Windows that covers himself with cum inslut humiliationism of woe, and then his contracting anal muscles closing on the thrusting MacReady penis, making him ejaculate deep into his arse, the cum filling the shit cannal in a holy enema of white light in putridity darkness.

"I love you" says MacReady to his lover, and both kiss once more.

The amorous lucidity of Antinous visage much pleasants the seraphim angel of fiery white heart of gamma ray emitions, so carefully he embraces Windows, MacReady and Childs with his carcinogenic radiation feathers and returns them home, to an apartment in the warmness lustfulness heat of the Bahamas. So now Windows, MacReady and Childs live in a polygamous marriage arrangement in the tropical Caribbean Sun, in much hedonism delight of love in bohemian poverty of the hearth.

BUT WAIT! Outside, watching them watching brazillian soap operas, is an evil unfestered ugly woman masturbating herself with elephant seal turds. It is Kate Lloyd, she has been driven MAD, and she wants revenge…. she will kill everyone!


End file.
